she was right

"No one here knows my name."

My heart sank. I had failed. Failed this student, failed my staff, failed the entire process.

Students can slip through the cracks. I know I'm not capable of carrying 110 children through a production, never mind a huge production of Wizard of Oz (our current main-stage show), but I still feel responsible. When this child said, in the third week of rehearsal, that no one in the group knew her name- ah!

The worst part was that she was right.

I am committed to my students. I want every one to leave every rehearsal knowing that our little theatre community is a safe haven for them. I need to know that our participants feel invested in, know they are believed in, know they have made friends here that they wouldn't have otherwise. And I know I can't do that alone, which is why I have a staff who are invested in these kids too. But it falls on me- ultimately these kids are my responsibility- and if I and the staff have fallen short of engaging every child, I have fallen short. Period.

We've done better since that rehearsal. I've lead many, if I may say, inspirational get-to-know-you type activities and the kids really are making more connections. I know that girl's and several other potential through-the-crack names. And I know the kids have learned them too. Today we had a student say "I feel like I am somebody, because everyone here knows me."

A mentor once told me "guilt is general and conviction is specific." I don't feel guilty about all of this. I am convicted though- convicted of my responsibility and my commitment to our students. They need to know they are "somebody"s.

I believe in our students.

Last summer the Y Theatre Co. produced 3 two-week camp productions. Our "A+ Summer Series" included Arisocats Jr, Alice in Wonderland Jr, and Aladdin Jr. We had an awesome summer- our campers learned a TON. Camp provides every participant personal attention and opportunities for success, on and off stage.

And I could leave it there- opportunities, attention, blah, blah, blah. But honestly, these "opportunities for success" also mean opportunities for failure. "Personal attention" also means vulnerability. "Camp" means we're immediately going up against the reality that at the end of every day, every child goes home to "so, what'd you do today?" If that child responds with "eh, not much, went swimming," we may lose one of our campers.

But like I said, we had a great summer. Despite those fears of mine, each show was a success and every child grew tremendously. Vulnerability is scary, but for our students, it was a significant time of investment. I am thankful for the time we had to spend mentoring our students, and not just to be singers and dancers. Most of our students will not end up bringing home the proverbial bacon by performing. But I do believe that our two-week time spent together created chances for these students to succeed in front of an audience, and a chance to know that we believe in them.

I believe in our students- who they are and who they are capable of being, especially when they're willing to go up against fears and take the opportunities presented them.

why we do what we do.

I have a friend who lives abroad. I occasionally covet her experiences. I was just reading a letter from her, looking at photos and videos on her blog, and wondering how I ended up here, in the snow, with a sore back from shoveling and feet heavy with winter boots. I went to college on the North Shore, and friends and an acting gig kept me here. Life kept a-living, and now I'm still here. My brother just returned State-side from years abroad, traveling through innumerable countries. His pictures of the Himalayas, ancient Roman theatres, and hiking through clouds, make me twitch with a desire to be the one taking the photos and posting them for family back home to see. Yet, I am not disappointed in my decision to stay, to be present here, and I am in constant awe of what continues to come to fruition.

So, why am I here? How do I find purpose in the midst of such tension? My focus within my theatre arts degree was acting and political theatre, but the challenge of developing purposeful theatre programming within my community was- and continues to be- incredibly appealing. So, I was hired to "start a theatre program" for the YMCA of the North Shore. We are well on our way and its all very exciting, but most of all, more than anything, I am passionate about the students involved in the programming. The power of theatre to cultivate their spirits, help them find their voices and realize that their words have worth- that is the most beautifully overwhelming aspect of my job.

Finding a Method

As a college student, I learned to find the "beats" within every scene of a script- thoughts the dialogue follows and the moment where each shift of thought occurs. Then I learned to look within each "beat," and find characters' intentions and an obstacles. Intentions are what the characters want, and obstacles are the things keeping the desire unattainable. Once I find all these, I can start moving on the stage- adding blocking to the mix.

Beats.
Intentions and obstacles.
Blocking.

These are integral concepts to how I think, both as a theatre professional and as a person in general. I have a plaque on my wall that says "This life is not a dress rehearsal." Unfortunately, I do not get to read through my own life-script; figure out my beats, intentions, and obstacles before putting them to action. But I can look at my life and find them as I go, maintain a sensitivity to the shifts and changes that string my beats into scenes and songs, weeks and years, relationships and communities. In doing so, I consider my intentions, my obstacles, my blocking. There are days when I intend to talk to my sister on the phone and the obstacle is everything, or everyone, that can suddenly fill up a day. There are days when I intend to love more and the obstacle is my own selfishness. There are times when we intend ________ and can't because of __________. And how do we move because of it?

This method of acting, of living, is all about informing our movements. Its about the why and the how blocking our lives.

Beats.
Intentions and obstacles.
Blocking.
Repeat. Again. And again. And again.
Until you reach The End.